


Avenging Uncle

by themuller



Series: The adventures of Pam and Turing [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 00:31:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuller/pseuds/themuller
Summary: MI6 releases its top ten list of most wanted terrorists and fugitives with rewards of up to 10 million pounds each, but the public is very confused as to why one of them is a cat.





	Avenging Uncle

**Author's Note:**

> Anon Prompt for the 007 Fest:
> 
> mi6 releases its top ten list of most wanted terrorists and fugitives with rewards of up to 10 million pounds each, but the public is very confused as to why one of them is a cat - and why their taxes are being used to pursue a four-legged creature. cue m having to explain this to MPs at a hearing in whitehall.

“For God’s sake, Tanner. The Internet is being run by cats and Youtube is spy-central? We can’t put that out there. No matter the truth of it.”

M was at her wits end. Besides Tanner, a few people from Q-branch, some confused double-ohs, and Moneypenny were assembled in her office.

Q had suffered a nervous breakdown when he discovered the truth about Pam’s addiction to being filmed as well as her wanting to watch cat videos on Youtube. Before he was able to get her contained safely in a cat carrier, she and Turing had made a run for it.

Worst of all, somehow the guards who were responsible for keeping Blofeld contained in the high security unit at Six had been taken in by an apparently stray kitten, whimpering miserably just outside Blofeld’s cell. Instead of watching out for any intruders, they had made sure the kitten was fed and kept warm. Meanwhile, a bunch of cockroaches had banded together and somehow been able to punch in the three elaborated codes on the keypad and putting the right keycard into the slot to open the electronically locked door.

When Moneypenny told Tanner he had believed this to be a joke, pointing out that it was not, indeed, the First of April. Upon watching the video feed, somehow for once the pictures being in perfect quality, he simply fainted.

Bond was furious, raging against ‘that bloody cat! I knew it! This beast from hell! If I get my hands on her—‘. As it was, he had his hands full trying to help his quartermaster regain his senses.

Moneypenny seemed to be the only keeping her calm.

“Ma’m, since Blofeld has escaped as well, he’ll have to be put on the top ten most wanted list. Why not put the focus on him instead? Nobody needs to know about the white Persian, since she most certainly will be with him?”

“Because we have put ten million pounds on each of them! It’s out there already. Don’t ask me who put it up—Q-branch is in shambles since this morning.”

“Bet it was that cat and her helpers,” Moneypenny mumbled.

“Moneypenny! You are aware of the fact that you are accusing a white Persian cat of manipulating our website?”

M shook her head.

“Whatever! Whitehall has summoned me to explain about the top ten list and the rewards. Since a cat—a blasted cat!—seems to have us offering the same reward for her as for one of the most powerful villains the world has ever seen.”

M took a deep breath.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, up and into the breech. Tanner, I need you at the hearing. Moneypenny, tell Bond to get the moves on regarding our quartermaster. We need him back here, now.”

With that, she dismissed the lot, sat back and opened a drawer in her desk. The bottle of Lagavulin was sadly almost empty once she had poured herself a large glass. She emptied it in one go, then stood up with a new resolve.

“I hate cats,” she grumbled on her way out of her office.  
Whitehall turned into absolute mayhem. M tried to get a word in, but one of the female MP’s just went on and on about MI6 being ridiculous and outdated, blaming M personally for the failed election, the botched up EU negotiations, and Russia interfering in the German election. The last part was uncalled for, even by the MP’s standard, which gave M a chance to start her explanation, only to be interrupted, rudely, by one of the guard dogs outside in the hall starting to bark loud and prolonged. Another one joined in, then a third, and a fourth. M about had it regarding animals, when the doors to the assembly room were blown open, and a mob of street cats attacked.

Everything turned into a conundrum of screams, shouts, furniture being broken, glass shattering—M turned slowly towards Tanner, who by now looked as if all of this just was another normal day at the office. They nodded, in utter harmony, then hid under the desk, opening another bottle of whisky, stashed away in Tanner’s attaché case. They shared the bottle, while silently watching the havoc unfold in front of them.

Just when everything seemed lost, the cats having clawed and bitten their way through clothes and papers, spreading an unbelievable chaos, a shot was fired.

The cats turned, ready to attack the intruder, but stopped short. In the main door, Bond was standing, beside him Q, holding a tablet in one hand and a small device in the other.

The cats were lining up for the final onslaught, when two new cats came sauntering into the room.

One, a white tabby with a Union Jack bowtie, was meowing disapprovingly at the mob.

“My dear Palmerston, what on Earth is going on? Can’t these humans be trusted with anything any longer?”

Palmerston, a black and white cat, sighed deeply.

“I have no idea, my dear Larry.”

Then, he turned to the gaping crowd of cats.

“Honestly, my fellow felines, whatever happened to ‘keep calm and carry on mousing’? Don’t you have some rats to catch and mice to maim?”

Q pushed a button on the device and a secret door opened in the far end of the room. The smell indicated a direct access to the sewers, and a few rats scoured away, drawing the undivided attention of the cat horde. Within minutes, the racket was over, only pieces of paper, shards of glass, and torn clothing a reminder of what had happened.

As the MPs gathered themselves and their notes, M and Tanner reemerged from under the table. Their mood had improved inversely proportional to the amount of whisky which had vanished from Tanner’s bottle.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” M said with grave seriousness, holding back a hiccup “I propose to forget about the past ten minutes. As for our most wanted list, we will rectify the amount of money put out as rewards as soon as our quartermaster returns to his duties.”

She sent a long, assessing glance in the direction of Q, missing by a few meters, while wondering why everything was a bit wobbly.

“Bloody cats,” she said under her breath.

Q turned immediately and made his way out of the building, closely followed by Bond. Both of them had however made time to pet Larry and Palmerston, as well as pass them some well deserved treats. On their way to MI6 Bond carried on about proper cats and training. Q just looked chastised.

Having sent off her minions, M turned back to glare at the MPs, who all nodded solemnly.  
None of them would ever tell the tale of the avenging kitties and their rescue by the Chief Mousers of the Cabinet and Foreign Offices.


End file.
